trust

Sometimes I look up and feel certain I’m seeing a cloud for the first time; a fragile quake in the atmosphere pressing my heart to its core.

The place where death and life intersect is brilliantly blurry.

Time, the most reliable, unbending measure.

I found myself tearing up when a friend asked me about Alice last week. She’s aging. She was really tired after our last run, we have to lift her into our car, she avoids stairs, she doesn’t hear very well.

I’ve been spending a lot of time just staring at her paws, studying her eyebrows, kissing her gray cheeks. And then I wonder why I’m engaging with her in this way. Do I subconsciously know something is wrong? So we made an appointment. And learned that we have one insanely healthy dog. She still runs six miles with you?! Off leash? our beloved doctor asked. Our vet told us to just pay attention, that Alice will let us know when she’s ready to stop running and when she needs help.

Pay attention. Trust that we will know when we need to know. Check.

The last week has been heavy with news of several deaths and several hardships involving people we know and love. The opportunity for connecting, listening, hugging and sharing meals is abundant and with extra enjoyment. I wrote more about all of this and my belief in kindness, always in this week’s mamalode column. Click to read mama digs: this is it.

My kids are awesomely awesome right now. Opinionated, smart, funny and full of love. Leaning into boundaries and so hungry to learn, experience and explore.

Me: I am feeling frustrated.
Margot, hand on my shoulder, with sympathy: Yeah, well. You are a mother.

Margot: I want the flower spoon!
Ruby: I WANT THE FLOWER SPOON!
Margot: I WANT THE FLOWER SPOON!
Ruby: I have a great idea. Eenie meenie miney moe. Catch a tiger, let her go. My dad says that I get the flower spoon. Perfect!

Margot, crying.
Me: What’s up sugar?
Margot: It’s just that people have birthdays all the time! And they have parties and invite me! And then I have to sing happy birthday songs! And I don’t always want to!

Ruby: Mama, can we please have a garden again this year?
Me: Yes.
Ruby: And, next Christmas can I make cookies with you and dada for Santa?
Me: Yes.

Margot: I never want you to stop kissing me. I want you to kiss me until you die. And I never want you to die.

Ruby, urgently ran as fast as she could off gymnastics floor during class: Mama? I like you.

Margot: I am like so ready for summer.
Me: Let’s take turns saying what we are excited for.
Margot: No socks and no shoes.
Ruby: Sleeping in the forest with mama and dada and Margot and me!
Me: Tomatoes.
Margot: Swimming in the river.
Ruby: Sleeping in the forest with mama and dada and Margot and me!
Me: Open windows.
Margot: Playing in the field with my friends.
Ruby: Sleeping in the forest with mama and dada and Margot and me!