I have felt out of sorts for the last week. Just a general, gnawing anxiety and insecurity that totally blows. And, you know, yes, my hormones are nuts right now but, no, that is not why I am feeling this way. It’s all very annoying and boring to me because these aren’t feelings I often sit with and here I am sitting.
sometimes I feel like face-planted raggedy anne
I am a closure gal. Chat, work it out, move on. But right now, there’s no closure to be had and I am left feeling blech. It’s all surrounding giant changes in my life that, while I am quite confident with my choices, are rocking my current understanding of my world. I am having another kid at which time I am not returning to the museum, where I have poured my heart and soul for seven years. I don’t talk much about work on dig but it is an important part of me. So no closure cause I have to just wait it out and let it happen. No way to know what it’ll be like. No previous experiences to draw from. No way to prepare.
mama, I know you’re exhausted but can we go for a walk?
mama, I know you’re exhausted but can we go for a walk?
I am frustrated with myself even as I write this because, while honest, it doesn’t feel true to me. I also feel shy about complaining when I know I am so fortunate. I am emotional. I am tired. And it is all compounding in these hideous ways like when I feel anxious and tired and emotional I then feel the wrinkles are deeper in my forehead and my thighs touch a bit further down. I question myself in situations I should feel confident in. My house feels especially messy and I am snappier with my kid and my dog and my husband. I don’t like any of it and I can’t wait for the next part when I learn some big lesson that makes all this tumult worth it.
piles of books, Art in America magazines, Chronicles of Philanthropy newspapers, clean napkins and underwear = perfect playground
The area I am so so resolute and confident in is the choice, the result. When I focus on that, I get all zen (0r closer). Life, I am more comprehensively understanding, does indeed pass quickly. Lately there’s been lots of important talk about priorities in our household. I just can’t wait to spend my days writing, making art, sewing, cooking, canning, gardening, all with my children. Going to the library at 10am on a Tuesday. Camping mid-week. Running. I have little nuggets of creative endeavors lined up that’ll provide two necessary roles: stimulating my brain and passions and generating cash money.
And I am trying to just get over the fact that sometimes, when I am so so tired I feel like I could crumble into a heap of goo on my doorstep, I can’t and shouldn’t rally (I am a rallier. I get shit done. I like it.). And that at times I need to sleep hard for nine hours while drooling on my pillow or let Margot throw credit cards and tampons and flip flops all over the house while I sit and sip ice water and take deep breaths. We’re really busy. Right now, in my house and my brain are piles of to-dos all over the place that’ll eventually get done but currently lay in piles because we are focusing on bigger stuff: love, eating, planning, sleeping, walks, art, each other.
amidst the chaos of laundry taking over my home, there’s a kid growing in my body. amazing.
Ah so it’ll pass and I’ll be better for it. Still effing hard. Big changes, changes in identity and purpose, how you answer the question and what do you do? are tough and they should be. So, as much as I can, I am trying to like and grow from the little bit of crazy my life is not-so-gently throwing my way. I’ll get there but I have to work for it. I can feel my core self returning already. I do enjoy a challenge…
